It’s arguably one of the worst things that can happen in a lifetime: the phone rings, and the voice on the other end of the line informs you that a beloved family member or friend has died unexpectedly. 

The death may have been caused by an accident, heart attack or stroke, suicide, an act of violence, or even the sudden onset of a deadly disease such as COVID-19.  

The first reaction may be disbelief. “But, I just talked to him…” “She didn’t have a heart condition…” “Are you sure? Maybe it’s someone else.” And then, there is shock, which may manifest emotionally and/or physically.  

“Many describe it as a feeling of going numb, the world suddenly spinning, or vision suddenly tunneling,” says Mary Duran, CEO and owner of Cella Bella’s Senior Services & Hospice. Duran knows personally the experience of being told a good friend had died unexpectedly. “Everything just stopped for a minute as I felt myself trying to process the news.”  

Then, there is often a rush of feelings: sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, stress, confusion, distress, even physical pain or feeling like you can’t breathe as the body processes intense emotions. 

“Maybe the best way to describe the initial grief is overwhelming as several emotions envelop a person,“ Duran says. “It doesn’t make it less painful and distressing, but this is all a very natural response to a sudden loss.”   

It can help to understand a few things about grief. 

It is widely accepted that there are seven stages to grief: shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. However, many people don’t move through the stages linearly, and they may not experience all the stages. 

Many people also cycle through stages repeatedly before finding acceptance. 

Grief also manifests physically. People experiencing deep and sudden grief often react at the extreme edges of behavior. 

They may feel exhausted and find it hard to function or they become manic and must keep busy. They may have no appetite or eat constantly. They may sleep too much or not be able to sleep at all. And, they may find it difficult to make a decision, or they rush to make decisions to regain a sense of control.   

Sudden grief is also different than anticipatory grief, Duran notes. 

Anticipating the death of a loved one suffering from cancer, congestive heart failure, or end–stage renal disease allows for time to express feelings and heal relationships, to have discussions and make decisions in advance, to begin processing what changes one can expect when a loved one dies. 

It doesn’t ease the grief, but it can lessen the shock and reduce the feelings of being out of control in the first few minutes and days.  

It also allows time for families to reach out for palliative and hospice care, says Duran, which goes far to help families, loved ones and the person nearing the end of his/her life process the realities of the situation. 

“Our services can do so much to ease the way for families enduring chronic illness and facing death,” Duran says. 

But, one doesn’t have to have a loved one in hospice to reach out for bereavement care services, which Cella Bella’s Senior Services & Hospice also offers. 

“We understand that no two people grieve the same and that grieving has no timeline,” Duran says. “We support family and friends as they mourn in their own way and in their own time. Trained counselors or nurses are here to listen and talk, to help with practical issues and questions about ‘what’s next?’” 

“We are also trained professionals who will notice if additional help is needed with things like anxiety or depression, or other adverse changes like increased use of alcohol, lack of self-care, or extreme loneliness.”  

Finally, Duran notes that a sudden death is a reminder that nothing is guaranteed. 

“While the hurt is very sharp and real, suddenly losing someone puts other relationships into perspective,” she says. “Share your feelings with the people you love and care about now, and hold them close.”